This page is dedicated to educating people in the use of abstract humor. Abstract humor is based on knowledge and concepts rather than the usual concrete based humor. Sarcasm is the most basic form, and even in this one aesthetic, the possibilities for contrived, abstract humor are numerous. This guide will be filled with examples, headings, and easy to follow categorizations so you too can understand and use effective humor even better than the English and French. Warning: at first people may think your jokes are simple and/or incomprehensible because of their subtle nuances, but they soon may be able to catch on.
Abstract humor offers limitless possibilities through combinations of sarcasm, understood contradictions, references, tangents, and any other concept that can be imagined. However, one must always move with confidence or get easily lost in a web of nonsense. It is often the case that someone put unreasonable demands for listeners of his humor by making an extremely obscure reference that no one could possibly get (inside jokes) or contriving tangents on tangents on tangents that cannot be followed because no theme for choosing tangents is established at any time. If you do not get a joke, it is likely that its meaning is unattainable, so do not be afraid to challenge the person speaking. Asking questions to root out the flaws with what they are saying and then accepting their unreasonable contradiction is a valid form of abstract humor. Also, though, beware because they may in turn prove that their submission was indeed valid, thereby invalidating your challenge. While moving with confidence, one must also be on his toes.
I should tell you now that everything in this guide will not make sense to you at first. Only after experience and self realization will it all be clear; nor is everything revealed in this guide, though once it is mastered, you are on your way to learning the more advanced techniques.
With experience you will learn to recognize characteristics that reveal the ways in which different people use their abstract humor, seeing trends, similarities, and combinations of standard characteristics. Do not be discouraged! The path to mastering the use of abstract humor has many false turns and convincing reality constructs. In fact, most people end up completing their journey early and become trapped and predictable within a humor construct, but awareness of yourself and others and utmost humility will keep you moving.
The most important tool of someone learning to use abstract humor is humility in the face of the Truth. Believing you have fully understood "the way things work" is ultimately the least useful way of thinking. The Truth is the way things work and is hidden to those with egos to protect. The Truth and seeking the Truth with utmost humility is the only way to properly learn abstract humor.
One of the most important aspects of spotting bullshit and using abstract humor in general is awareness. That is learning the humor construct of oneself and other people, especially intentions and implications. Of course, implications and intentions are not necessarily the most important characteristics, but they are extremely useful in characterizing a humor construct; and with repeated interaction with another person's humor construct, they are relatively, though often deceptively so, easy to grasp. And the easiest way toward understanding of these concepts is consistent self examination.
The examination must be consistent, not necessarily constant--though the more the better--to guarantee a smooth sample. Examination can occur at any interval once the relative importance of events is understood. Otherwise a concentration of examinations can be misleading and hindering, though overall not necessarily crippling.
The manner of personal self examination may change, but to start out, concentrate on the implications of personal action (including speech) and thought. Study how the implications relate to your intentions. How do your emotions, thoughts, and actions, and the intentions and implications of each interrelate? Start applying this to the study of humor constructs of other people, and examination of everyone becomes more complete and valid. Understanding how the actions and thoughts of different people interrelate, much as they do within one person, is integral for conscious use of effective abstract humor. Jokes contrived along these lines can be extremely powerful. There is a secret to making this process work which cannot be explicitly revealed; and as development occurs new concepts arise such as the advantages and methods of maintenance of specific interaction between humor constructs, advantages and disadvantages of strengthening a person's humor construct (which is done by interaction, not breaking or re-enforcing, both of which can be destructive if not curbed by humility and adherence to the Truth), and perspectives on and the nature of humor constructs.
The timing sections are included to give examples of issues that can be considered in humor aesthetics. Timing is a very simple concept. A great example of timing is the humor of Norm MacDonald who can be seen on television's "Saturday Night Live." His humor construct, whether he conciously formed it or not I am not sure for I have never met him except through television, is very simple, but his use of timing is excellent.
Ultratiming is essentially the same as timing, but with much greater emphasis on the thought processes of listeners. Simply it involves the placement of action (including speech) stategically in the context of its environment. Ultratiming considers the minds of listeners to be part of the environment, as real and concrete as anything else. Skilled use of ultratiming can involve predicting what someone will think in response to an action, then placing an action in the context of their predicted thought.
An example:
user: Who's that?
respnse: Will involve some looking around and asking who?
user: Must predict the instant after responsor is unsure of his
surroundings. At this instant say, "Elmer FUCK."
If they don't get it, coach them by excusing your joke
with, "It's all in the timing. It's really tricky, but
if I had gotten it, it would have been hilarious!"
user: (with right hand, give middle finger pointing down, then rotate it
up)If you did this, you would say that it is left hand polarized.
user: (T-shirt print: I hung out at McDonald's and all I got were these
lousy drugs.)
user: Yeah, but would you call the sidewalk a wide cock?
Would you call quiche queef?
Yeah, but would you call this computer your mommy's pooter?
Would you say that a trip to Disneyworld is the same as
the clit of a little girl?
user: Are you serious?
response: What?(whatever)
user: You're so serious, I can't believe how serious you are, you
are so serious. (Insult to their humor construct or what
should be one.)
user: You have an identity (he is caught, unaware, in a humor construct
to which he aspires)
user: (this one should be written) Wiggers can't read.
user: (tell people they suck, then say you were just kidding,
you don't really think they suck)
user: I'm psychic! Watch, pick a number
between one and ten.
response: okay.
user: What's your number?
response: (some number)
user: Wrong! It was (some number).
Here, I'll make it easier on you. Pick a number between one
and one-thousand(joke continues same as before).
user: I'm psychic. Watch. Pick a number between one and one-thousand.
response: okay.
user: Right now you are thinking that I won't be able to ascertain your
number.
user: How do you fit ten clowns in a small car?
response: I don't know.
user: (Use timing to interupt them or just answer them with a shout)
SHUT UP! (You can then later ask them this question instead of
telling them to shut up.)
user: (If you tell someone enough that they will think of you during
sex, they will)
user: So, this salmon's on a trip to France. He's not an especially
wealthy salmon, but he holds his own as an executive in an investment
bank on Wall Street. He's a pretty confident salmon if you know what
I mean. He knows what he wants, and he doesn't go for none of that
gourmet, sheik French art food crap. He wants good old freshwater
moss and insects. So he goes into this ritzy bistro and yells,
"So you guys got freshwater moss here?" The maitre d' says, "Yes, of
course, sir. Table for one?" As they're going to the table, the maitre
d' whispers over his shoulder to the waiter, "Fucking salmon! Think they
own everything!"
user: So this salmon walks into a Scientology temple. He wants to
see what all this hoopla is about, maybe take a peronality test and
see what it says--just for curiosity's sake of course--maybe watch their
Orientation film. This salmon only goes to junior college, but,
who knows? he could be the next as of yet undiscovered great new talent!
So he goes in, talks to some guys, takes the test, watches the movie,
the whole time thinking that he's truly impressing these people beyond
belief. He IS the next great genius of our time! So, nervously,
he opens the results to his tests, his hands shaking. But the results
weren't that great. Not bad, but average, slightly below in some areas.
Not to worry though, scientology can help. So, he leaves the place
thinking, "NOBODY understands me. I should join up just to show
everyone that they're all wrong."
user: So, a run-of-the mill, white trash salmon decides he needs a vacation from
the stream. His backbone is getting tired of fighting the upstream battle
waged everyday. He decides to go to the capitol and check it out, cuz
salmon don't often get to those parts. After travelling around and visiting
the White House and Washington Monument and such, he decides to go the
Capitol building. Things go fine until he happens upon an old painting in
one of the corridors, of Abraham Lincoln fishing in a river. "I knew it," he
screams, "you're all after me!" Then, he pulls out his pistol, and blows
away two police officers before being taken out himself by a third officer.
After making sure the salmon was down for the count, the officer mutters,
"He was fishing for trout, you asshole."
user: A big Fucking Italian tough salmon walks into a bistro and yells,
"Yo, you, Vinny Testa over there, you gonna get me a table or
just stand there starin' at my cock all day!" All the while,
he's got this hot bitch salmon in the corner of his eye, and after
this display of raw irresistable masculine power, he turns to her
and says, "Yo, babe, you wanna swim upstream with me? or you just gonna
sit there and stare at my cock all day?"
So, in the midst of her seductive gaze she says,"So, you gonna
mate with me, or just stand there lookin' tough all day?"
"So, you gonna answer my question, or just sit there starin' at my
cock all day?"
"So, you gonna mate with me, or just keep barkin' little doggy?"
"So, you gonna keep making conjunctive attitudinal displays,
or just sit there starin' at my cock all day?"
"So, you gonna mate with me, or keep projecting your shortcomings
onto me?"
"So, you gonna shut up, bitch, or am I gonna have to come over...uh...
I mean are you just gonna sit there starin' at my cock all day?"
So this goes on for hours until Vinny says, "Hey, it's closing time,
you guys gotta get outa here."
"Oh yeah, seeya Vinny."
"Uhh...MEN!"
user: This salon walks into a bar and asks the bartender, very
quietly and politely, so the bartender has to strain,
practically leaning over the bar to hear him (but
it is a walking salmon, so of course he does it!), "May
I please have a tanqueray and tonic?" The bartender
isn't accustomed to such polite behavior, however, and
thinks maybe this salmon is a little young and naive to
be in a bar, so he looks at him suspiciously and demands to
see an id. "But, sir, salmon can't be issued official identification."
"Well, if you're a salmon, then what are you doing on land?"
So, the salmon eyes him, still as quiet: "I am an evil salmon,"
and the bartender gives him his drink, extra strong, hoping he'll
get paid for it but knowing he won't.
user: There were these two guys on a safari in the dessert, but somehow
they got separated from the group and lost. They were walking
through the desert for days. They ran out of water and food
and eventually were on their hands and knees CRAWLING through
the desert. (Expression in speech is very important for this joke
and the telling should definitely be overacted. Your speech
should emphasize how insultingly ridiculous and unfair you think
the situation is for them.) So there they are crawling for
hours and hours dying of thirst and blistering from exposure
until they have to stop due
to sheer exhaustion. But just before they pass out, they see
a ranch, and muster just enough strength to get to the front door
and knock. An old man answers the door,
"Mister, we're starving and dying of thirst. We've been crawling
for days without food or water, and haven't slept. Can we
please have some food and a bed for the night?"
"Well, alright, but you have to promise not to sleep with my
beautiful daughter."
"Whatever, anything you say, man."
So at dinner, the daughter comes to the table and she's the
most beautiful woman they've ever seen. But these two
guys are so hungry that they don't even notice as they
shove food and drink into their mouths. Then, between the, like,
main course and dessert, one of them says,
"Wow, look how beautiful the farmer's daughter is. We're pretty
full now, and besides, what could an old farmer do to us
anyway. We should just have sex with her tonight, when everyone's
asleep."
"I don't know, man, he seemed pretty serious about no one sleeping
with his daughter."
"Yeah, maybe you're right."
They just ended up going to bed, but later that night, one of
them woke up and goes,
"Hey, want to go sleep with that guy's daughter now?"
But he's like,"Naugh, I'm really tired, I think I'm just gonna go
back to sleep."
"Yeah, me too."
So they wake up that morning, have a big breakfast with the farmer
and his beautiful daughter, then go into town. Walking down main
street, one guy says to his friend,"
"You know, I'm starving. Let's get something to eat."
And his friend is like, "Okay. There's a supermarket, they must
have something good."
"No, man. FUCK supermarkets. Supermarkets SUCK!"
"Yeah, I guess yer right."
So they kept going, until they got to a brain store. So, he's like,
"Hey, there's a brain store. Want to get some brains?"
"Naugh, man. Brains SUCK. We had brains for breakfast!"
So they keep walkin' until they get to a doughnut shop. So
they finally go in and the one guy gets a chocolate covered
doughnut and starts eating it while his friend gets his, when
he notices that his friend is getting all these DOUGHnuts.
SixTEEN dozen glazed doughnuts, ten dozen chocolate, like...
eighteen cream filled and he just starts woofin' 'em all down.
He can't believe it. He doesn't want his friend to get FAT, but
it's his friend so it's not like he's gonna say anything. I mean,
come on, you can't say that to your friend, and he's been starving
and all, so he's just like "whatever."
So, they keep going, they're just walking around for a few hours
looking at stuff. Then they see these hot chicks who want to
meet them at McDonald's for dinner that night. So, they get there
early, and decide to order before the chicks get there. The one
guy gets a big mac, a medium coke, and a large fries. But his
friend orders all this shit again: fifteen quarter pounders with
cheese, ten big macs, like twenty apple pies, eighteen six piece
chicken mcnuggets, and thirteen large cokes. Now, he doesn't
want to say anything, you know this is his friend and all, but this
is ridiculous. He just can't stand it, he has to say something.
I mean, he's worried about his friend, so he's like,
"Dude, you better not eat all that or you're gonna get FAT!"
"Oh yeah? Your mom is so fat, when I yell 'KOOL-AID,' she
comes crashing through the wall!"
send comments/suggestions to: Aaron Ballard
send mail to Kevin at: Kevin Borland
send mail to my friend Mike Terry at [email protected]
link to pics: picture page
The Nature of Immortality guide click here
My final paper for Introduction to Medi